Tuesday, February 8, 2011



God I'm so tired. So tired of being in school. So tired of being away from home. Lord, I know it's not right for me to beg you of this, but please...PLEASE tell me Your plan does not include me staying here in Iowa. PLEASE tell me my husband is waiting for me in Nashville, or close to it.

Lord, I like it here, sometimes, for certain reasons. Every time I move, I always end up more popular in the new place than where I was before. Back in Utah, I hardly had friends. Maybe a few. Everyone else was shallow and focused on themselves. When I moved to Tennessee, I had a new start. At first, I refused to make friends, but the good ol' southern hospitality got to me. Then the Children's Ministry did. Then Ministry in general did. God, I may have been following the crowd, but I loved the crowd I followed.

Lord, here in Iowa, it stinks. I now know why you made pigs forbidden. They are not a pleasing aroma. They're gross and noisy...It makes me wish I was back in Utah with the Cows. And the wind here is too harsh. The water is too soft, and the cold...too cold. I miss how the cold meant skiing and snowballs and snowmen. But God, It's too cold here to do that anymore. Maybe Tennessee spoiled me. But this dustbowl is not my cup of tea.

Lord, I should be thankful. And I am. But I'm weary. God, I have so many friends. Many people who know me - lots of whom I don't even personally know! I'm likable, and popular here. Dance Team keeps me on my toes, Student Activities is great for a Resumé, and Rush was a BLAST. But you know I'm an active person. Activities are fun. I'm ready to stop being in school. I'm ready to make a difference in this world. But I know I should finish this. But another year seems so LONG! I've changed my major so many times, and there are so many opportunities for me to embark on...But God I fall deeper and deeper into debt with every step and want I take. Tuition is free and that's a BLESSING far beyond any I've thought about. But that car is only $4,900, and it's SO cute and it'll get me HOME! But I want to go to Spain. I want to work at Victoria's Secret.


I must remember this. God, your love is better than wine. Your purpose for me is great, and my problem is that I can't...God I can't see it! I want to see where I'm going! I don't like this Blindfold!

But I'm not trusting you. Which is why you have me blindfolded. God. Oh God. Give me your hands, or let me hold on to the hem of your robe. Give me something tangible. Point me North, South, East, West, North North East...Home, overseas, ANYWHERE.

Patience. I am impatient. Your Word is a reassuring kiss on my forehead. "Daughter, It's okay. I'm here."

I breathe and tears roll down my face. "I hear you, God. I've strayed. I let go of your hands. Where are they?"

You touch my cheek and wipe away a tear. "In front of you, where they always have been. Reach out and seek me with all your heart. There you'll find them. There you'll find Me." Touch. Warmth.

"Oh God."

"I will lead you beside still waters and show you bridges over troubled ones. I am Brilliant. Glorious. Magnificent. Your eyes are not yet ready for that. The Blindfold I place on you teaches you to trust Me. My hands are here. I carved the way. I know the Truth. I Am the Light. Trust me."

God, I'll try.

"That's okay. It's better than most."

God I want to help them, too.

"And you will. But sometimes you must help yourself first. You cannot teach what you do not know. I Know. I'm teaching you. Listen. Obey. Then you may instruct."

I love you.


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